What can I say?
It has been a really, really long time since I have written for public consumption.
I started this blog as an outlet for a voice that I am still learning how to use. I began this blog because I started a journey of self discovery of God’s purpose for my life. It can be so disorienting to feel as though you do not know what you were created for in this life. So, I wrote. I wrote in order to share, I wrote in order to learn, I wrote in order to grow.
But, then I got scared. (I’m being honest, don’t judge me). I guess you can call it scared. I became overwhelmed by the magnitude of being open and vulnerable to the opinions and judgments of others. I became overwhelmed because I kept trying to think that I had to fit in every box and be welcomed by every one. But, I know that’s not possible. It’s not very logical either (remember, don’t judge me).
I know the Bible says, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7 NIV) But, I’ll admit, I was timid. The doubt and insecurities got the better of me. Time and time again. So, one day away from writing turned into two, which rolled into a week and, well, you get where this goes. I kept on believing the lies. “Your words are worthless.” “Nobody cares about what you have to say.” “What if what you write about is too different?” “You want to write about God and spirituality? You shouldn’t do that!” But, you know who that father of lies is. (Hint: John 8:44) And he is really, really on his job to keep us from walking in God’s purpose for our lives and I was letting him derail me and God’s plans for my life.
I can see now that I wasn’t secure in who I am in Christ. I began this journey in order to learn His will for my life but that won’t be possible if I am not diligent in the assignments the Holy Spirit imparts on me to undertake. I will never be comfortable in who I am or discover my gifts if I don’t walk in the truth of doing the things that I enjoy. It’s just that simple sometimes. Yet, I doubted it. I doubted who I am and compared myself to others and that’s when I started making excuses as to why I didn’t need to continue on writing.
And now, I’m tired of being that Samantha. That’s not really who I am but, I had to realize that for myself. My eyes have been opened recently and I am so thankful because I am ready to explore who I am in Christ and to share that with everyone. So, I’m going to dig deep, pray often, study my Word and “live by faith, not by sight.” (2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV)